So, I have decided after my week, I should really start documenting my life - because it's really just that wierd. The crap that goes on in my life just doesn't happen to normal people. And to be honest, for the most part, it's hilarious. Some big producer one day will ask if he can make a sitcom of my life...and people will watch it...why? Because no one's life is this fucked up.
Chapter One: Possibly the most bizzare date of my life thus far.
So my best friend wanted to set me up with a "friend of a friend." First of all, set ups and/or blind dates are 90% of the time a bad idea. As much as your friends say they know you, they never know you that well. So the Set-up is Mel's boyfriend's friend, and since I trust thier judegment, I agreed, on two terms: 1. No blind dates - there is nothing more unnatural than meeting some random semi-stranger, and being forced to spend at least an hour with them before you can fake the "friend-needs-me" phone call. 2. Don't leave me alone with him, unless I give the signal. All terms agreed to, we set a time to meet for casual drinks with friends.
Before I get a head of myself, I did do two things to prepare myself. One: I googled him. Yes, a little wierd...but recently I found out that a) my ex boss did time for fraud; b) my ex boyfriend has a very creepy internet site with anime pictures...(oh god) and c) if he is possibly in the running to cure cancer - I'd like to know. Two: I looked at his pictures on facebook through other friends - oh what a great invention facebook is.
So in my Google search, I find out that he was recently interviwed for a newspaper profiling his rather unique career - more on that later. And Facebook pictures...well, most of them were of him wearing a hat, not smiling, and covering half of his face. So now I'm thinking, he's possibly balding (because of the hat), and as either a) so drunk he didn't realize his face was covered or b) just has bad luck with pictures. However the newspaper article brought some more light on the mysterious Set-up.
He is a funeral director.
Yes, this man chose to work with dead people, for a living (no pun intended). So thus begins the endless jokes - which I admit even I couldn't help but think of. "Knock 'em dead" "That's Killer" etc etc...(and please if you have more, by all means tell them to me;).
So, I go (trying to ignore the jokes raging in my mind) and meet up with friends for a drink. As I enterd the bar, I noticed, no hat, and not balding, and must have just taken some bad photos, because he doesn't appear to be an alcoholic. So two good things.
The four of us settle in and make polite conversation. And then two martini's down my wing man, gets a little tipsy, and starts saying random stuff, and kinda loud...that aside she ha now turned all her attention to our firend Andrew and kinda left me to fend for my self with the Set-up.
We had polite conversation. Although to begin with I wanted to avoid the job questions, i mean who wants to talk about funerals on a first date? I found out that his mom's name is Julie (wierd), he has by brother's name (even wierder), and he worked at the funeral home where my grandparents were looked after at the same time (verging on creepy). Then to top it off...his laugh. If that's even what it was. "Ha, Ha...Ha" Each and every time. The first two ha's are a slightly higher pitch than the last. Every time, the laugh is exactly the same. So now I'm thinking: I'm not funny...when I'm nervous all I have is funny and verbal vomiting, and since clearly I'm not funny to him...Oh...my...god.
Then it happend. The awkward pause. And not just one...two, then three...this was not looking good. I kept trying to join our conversation with my tipsy friend, but to no avail.
So I asked about the job. And I got a lot of really interesting and wierd answers. Some I really, really didn't want to know.
Other than that things went smoothly. I'm not totally wierded out by the guy, but then "sparks didn't fly" either. But we got up to leave when all of a sudden, both my wing man and the Set-up's wing man deserts us to use the facilities. Umm, excuse me, I didn't give the signal!! 4 minuites of awkward scilence later we stand to leave...and he's shorter than I thought...in fact in my heels I stand a good three inches taller than him. *sigh*
So we're standing outside the bar and we say out goodbyes, and he doesn't ask for my number, okay no worries...it was a little wierd anyway. So I take my now drunk friend to the car and we begin the drive home. She asks me, with slurred speech, how I thought it went etc when her phone rings. It's Andrew, the other wingman. After a minuite or so of conversation she hands the phone over to me, I expect to hear Andrew, but I hear the voice of the Set-up instead. Here is how the conversation went:
Me: Hello?
S: Hi it's me. So I thought that went pretty well.
M: Yeah I had a good time!
S: So, uh, do you wanna maybe meet up for a second date?
M: That would be nice.
S: Okay, well uh LJ has my numer and you can get it from her and...
M: Well wait, do you want me to call you? Or are you going to call me?
S: Ha, Ha...Ha. Okay I guess I could do that, so just send me your number.
M:Okay, will do. Take care have a good night.
S: Okay, bye.
What annoyed me was this: a) his friend had to call for him, b) he expected me to call him - okay a little traditional, but that's me. And c) the laugh. I went home where I met up with my brother and his friends where they mocked me for a good hour over beers.
About three days later I recieve a call from my Set-up. He's in the car, and it's difficult to hear him, but - hey at least he called. We make plans to meet up on Saturday - for something low key. And who knows...mabye this date can be brought back to life...(ha,ha...ha.)
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optimistic
pissed off
but happy
bouncy
exhausted
creative
indifferent
pleased
curious